That's How You'll Know My Love is Still Strong

Warning, this is a sentimental blogpost so if you want to skip some of the mushy, I'd understand.

Normally these entries are open ended and directed to almost anyone, but this time not so much-- there's one person I have on my mind right now.

I know when she reads this she'll have that face on, the one that's hard to say with words, it's somewhere between laughing and crying because I know exactly how she is.

The title comes from a Plain White T's song and happens to be the exact same title I used on a Livejournal/Multiply entry right when we were just starting out-- a time that feels like a million years ago if you really think about how much we have been through during all this time.

Lately however we had fallen into some type of weird rut, nothing out of the ordinary for any couple who has been together long enough, but it's still a weird feeling. We weren't doing badly, we were doing the same old, same old that we were used to-- and that was really what became the problem.

I remember when we were just starting, everything was so new and waking up every day was exciting because there was so much we were still learning about each other, and every time I told her that I loved her it was like a spark going off-- anyone who has fallen in love heavily for the first time knows exactly those crazy lovey-dovey feelings and how much of an Oxytocin overload the whole thing is.

We've been together now nearing a year and half, and she has been my best friend for even longer, so some of the initial love feelings have faded, I wasn't surprised by this-- but it started to get to an extreme level of unsurprised behavior. She might not have noticed it, I guess because I didn't until recently.

I got too comfortable with her, and I don't mean in that understanding sense, but as in I started pushing aside things, and stopped doing things altogether. I used to be a romantic guy, and I'm not saying that stopped it just became something completely different. We used to celebrate every Tuesday, it happens to be the day we got together-- it was a Tuesday and I had a class to go to, and I'll never know what we learned that day. I'm not saying that we should do that now, it's a little crazy to celebrate every week now, but the idea is still there.

Even just this month I found myself pushing aside special days, and not for any reason that I can think of that is logical. Each month we celebrate the 4th and the 29th-- just because we do have that sentimental streak. I however started putting less and less stock in those days because I started to get busy with my own things. Once again, none of this seems like a huge deal-- but the small things that come from it are what change it.

I stopped doing so much because somewhere along the way my comfort level with her turned into general expectation. What did it matter if I wasn't spontaneously saying I love you like I used too, she still knows right? Maybe I wasn't making as big a deal of a anniversaries, she must still know how important those days are, right? If I don't compliment something, she has to still understand that I care, right?

It's true that all these are a yes, but it doesn't mean that I shouldn't remind her every day how important she is to me. Of all the things that can get tiresome, telling her all these lovey-dovey romantic things are not on of them. I could tell her that I loved her every 10 minutes and it would never lack value each time. But the fact is that I should remember to tell her these things because just assuming she knows things is different than taking the time to make sure she knows these things.

Last night was our turning point again, whatever it was, and I'm not sure helped really bring those feelings back like how it used to be when we were getting together, just with more familiarity. I was listening to our songs again, and we have a lot. I was remembering all those times pre-coupledom where I was doing idiotic things around her, just because I was falling that hard. Out of my least suave moments we'll both cite the time she gave me her phone number and I got so excited that I closed our chat window long before I learned the joys of auto-log-- needless to say I spent the next hour pressing ctrl+z after she went to bed in hopes that by some weird chance of fate it would work.

It didn't.

12 hours later she comes to me with a thinly veiled sadness asking why I didn't text her awake, and I had to put my tail between my legs and admit my stupidity. She made fun of me, but not in that mean way-- in that teasing way that was a little too friendly for siblings, but that's what we were hiding behind-- the brother-sister relationship that's ironic.

It's the moments like that I can't forget, no matter how redundant they get-- I don't want to lose the awkwardness of 18 year old Pax who was in love with his best friend to 20 year old Pax whose fiancee is his best friend.

So in the most long winded way I can say to people is this-- if you have someone you love, make sure to tell them that, really it will make all the difference in the world. And to the gorgeous who might just have tears welling in her eyes by now-- did you know I love you so so so soooooooooo much? because if you didn't, just know that I do-- so so sooooooooo much and more than words can say.